The County Fair
Living in a small town you would think that the fair would be the picturesque shin-dig that you see in the movies and read about in books, but that is not the case in southern Idaho. Now to top it off, what if you take all the bad traits of the county fair and leave out all the good stuff, you have the carnival we had this weekend. That means scary people that make you think there was a prison break recently and you don’t get to eat 'Elephant ears'( the big ass scones with yummy powered sugar)
I am not the greatest money manager around, but I work hard for my meager pickings and enjoy relishing in the rewards of hard work. My lovely girlfriend asked me if I wanted to accompany her to a carnival with her brother and his kids. This being a great group of people to be with sounded fun, and the delicious temptation of an elephant ear scone had whet my appetite. The carnival was a small one, feature about eight rides, ten or so games and two food stands.
Much to my dismay, the food stands were terrifyingly filthy and had a lackluster variety of greasy insta-snacks. They did not even have french frys and this is Idaho for crying out loud! So I settled for a Snow cone and got my lovely Sue a caramel apple, being the nice guy that I am I got a total of four snow cones so that we all could have one and that took the 15 bucks I had down to six. (yes five of us went, but I do math worse then I spell and write). Now here is the where one of the major problems of the carnival came into play, it was set up on tarmac. Lovely black asphalt was underfoot, absorbing and radiating the suns deadly rays, on a cloudless and very hot summer day.
And thus began my favorite part of the fair, now before I begin I am all for any service that offers jobs to an individual. Its a proven fact that more unemployment means more crime, so if you do not have a job, get to jail you fucking lunatic!(joking.. just wanted to see if you were still reading...) The carnies... walking from point A to point in the fair means you get bombarded with horrid sales pitches from toothless, covered in grease, with howls of gibberish that range from 'every one is a winner' to ' pick a prize any prize' is muffled only by the blasting of metallica on horriblely airbrushed rides. Some of these games are actually fun, and its always rewarding to win a prize for yourself or a loved one, but I can’t emphasize more, save the money and buy a quality toy at Target. In case you did not notice the only way you get a bigger prize, is to pay more money. You can knock over milk bottles, break old beer bottles (presumably consumed by the proprietor of the rides that are strapping your children onto an ill maintained carsoul) and pop balloons till the cows come home, get old, or die, and you will not get a better prize until you plop down the extra cash.
Point in Case (Case in Point?) Last year , at the county fair that served good food, I decided to win Sue a stuffed animal at the dart popping balloon booth. Three darts for 5 dollars and a few minutes latter, I had managed to pop all three balloons. Now here was the big moment do I upgrade the prize? Or settle for a crappy asbestos filled mystery animal that could not have even been conceived by Darwin. I hasited and the ravenous carnie stuck her claws in deep, she handed me a dart and let me go again. This was the moment of truth, is Sue going to walk home with a gigantic non licensed Scooby doo, or something that even a 3 year old girl would not enjoy... I decided to take the risks, I was actually taught how to throw hand grenades at one point in my life,(terrifying huh?) so I took aim with my left hand and delivered a mighty throw with the right, scoring a hit! My confidence grew as well as did my boredom, I wanted to go home, I wanted my lame prize, and I just wanted some peace and quiet! having been trapped in the routing before, I know that if I gave give her another five bucks was the only way to get an 'Upgraded prize' so I decided to be an ass back and get my revenge. I took her offer for an additional free dart, this time I upped the stakes. I said 'what if I pick the color of the balloon I pop? Will I get a better prize?' and this time the carnie paused. I picked a color, took aim and pop, success! Still no better prize, So I took the third free through and called the shot and yet another success, I knew my luck would soon run out. And it did, fourth throw was the wrong color, but still a pop and I missed the fifth free shot. So I hit 7 out of 8, and still ended up an ambiguously strange bear/rabbit beast thing.
So what is the moral of this aimless rant? If you got to the fair, stick with the food, skip the rides, skip the games and save your self a headache. The reason why the carnies are toothless and greasy is the work it takes to maintain the already broken rides anyway. I mean seriously, if you kids were going on a field trip would your trust your children’s lives to these people? Well that’s going a bit extreme… Over all I felt bad for going with my friends on this adventure as I ended being somewhat of a party pooper and I hoped I did not spoil their fun.
